There was one time, long ago, where I found a way out of the cold dark place and had a radiant glimpse of another world. There was a tunnel I found myself in, with the haze of light near the end and the soft chatter of people. There was a turnstile, which acted like a gate, preventing anyone from leaving the cold dark place.
There was no line for those leaving, but there was a creature entering the cold dark place, and their paperwork was being checked and stamped. There was a faded warning sign with the words “do not jump, you will be tazed.” The creature entering was being carried in a wheelbarrow, pushed along by a security officer with their face covered by a gas mask and helmet.
The creature looked like a giant clam, and their body was separated in the middle. They were asked to open their mouth for inspection. Inside was a collection of young, tiny versions of the clam creature squirming around in the folds of pale flesh. The gatekeeper commented on how cute they looked and wished them luck. The reaction of the gatekeeper seemed sarcastic, and their expression exaggerated.
A security officer continued to push the wheelbarrow into the darkness, and the gatekeeper motioned me to the counter. I thought for a moment about the clam creature, and how other snarling monsters in the dark might appear in the light. I thought how the grotesque and hungry don’t need to be seen and need eyes even less.
When I reached the counter I noticed the long blue fingernails, and the black eye lashes of the gate keeper. The eyelashes were very long, and covered most of their eyes, perhaps a defensive mechanism I thought.
I told them I was looking for a place to go, outside of the cold dark place.
They said I couldn’t pass unless I had a task to do, or paperwork to get processed. I told them I had neither, nor did I want to get tased. I asked if perhaps they had a task they needed done, I could take care of whatever it might be.
The gatekeeper thought for a second and told me a couple of large garbage bags full of paperwork from other processed creatures needed to be delivered to a document center. The bags were heavy, and the walk was long and arduous. They accentuated the term “arduous” and delighted on telling me how heavy and difficult the task would be.
I thought for a moment about a long burden journey or a quick taser experience. I said I would gladly take the heavy bags. I exaggerated how heavy the bags were, and my straining seemed to delight the gatekeeper.
I was able to leave the gate and continue my journey. The light was soft, and the streets were warm. Even without shelter the outside world and concrete landscape was pleasant compared to the cold dark place. I dropped the bags near some other garbage bags soon after getting out of sight of the gatekeeper.
I had no intention of carrying bags of paperwork around. However, the experience had me realize the rules of this new world. The gatekeeper valued my suffering, and absurd adherence to the rules. There was an element of sadism, of control which needed to be performed before they would let me pass. I anticipated more of this kind of absurdity.
The only place I could gain access to was the document center.
This building appeared to be a renovated sports stadium, a towering ruin of commerce. There was a line to get in, and while others were shivering in the street. I remained warm and found the world of light a pleasant break from the constant emergency of the cold dark place.
After a few hours, I was allowed inside. I was given a few forms to fill out, and a number. I was told my number would be called soon. The attendant smiled, as if the lie of “soon” was a private joke.
I took a seat and watched the clockwork chaos around me.
There were people, human beings, with vaguely expressive faces of many kinds. Some were agitated, some were exhausted and defeated. Some were anxious and their eyes darted around in anticipation of their number being called. There was a line of people getting their photo taken, and after their photo was taken were given more forms to fill out. They looked stunned, confused, and uncertain where they were.
There were creatures there too, like the clam monster. There were hairy beasts, and horned demons. There was an angel, but their white robe was streaked in blood. There was a large person in a wheelchair, their legs were rotten and red, from some necrotic condition. There was also a nurse and doctor occasionally questioning people who were sitting down. They seemed ambivalent and distant, and their help seemed to be a small container of pills and a small paper cup of water. Everyone who drank from the paper cup seemed to scavenge every drop, holding it above their mouth for a moment.
There were lines everywhere. There were lines for a bathroom, which grew longer after a bathroom was closed for maintenance. There was a line for initial forms, new forms, final forms, a change in forms, lost forms, and extra forms. I stayed seated and watched, I didn’t see any reason to be in any lines. There were lines to exit, lines for the upper floors of the document center, and lines for complaints.
I decided I was just going to watch and walk, and left my forms at my seat, but I carried my metal clipboard, which was given for us to fill out forms on. Everyone had a clipboard, and it felt strange not to have a prop when walking around. Whenever a security officer looked at me, I looked down at my clipboard in a confused manner, and this seemed to satisfy their interest and their eyes moved from me.
I noticed I was being watched by someone else too, a lady in a long yellow raincoat. The yellow was dull and dirty and was covering layers of coats and sweaters. They approached me and asked to see my clipboard. She said, “You board is to clean, if they see your lack of papers, they will beat you for destruction of official documents.” She then explained she had been here a long time and been to every floor of the document center. “Every floor is the same, and the forms take longer to fill out the higher you go, although the lines are shorter. Also, if you want water, you must act sick enough for the doctor to see you. There is no food, but there is a form to fill out for emergency nutrients.” She laughed and giggled at the idea of filling out more forms.
I left the raincoat lady and returned to my seat to gather my forms, to prevent being beaten by the security officers.
I sat and watched a while longer until I got thirsty. Then, as dehydration set in, I felt the warmth of the place fade. The cold returned, and the emergency of water was sharp. A nearby human being was nodding off to sleep, and they appeared to be relatively healthy. Their head was slumped, so their neck was exposed, and the throb of their artery was visible.
I drew near, and wrapped my arms around them, whispering the speech of the cold dark place until they were deep in the shadow. Then I drank from their neck, and the warm blood of life filled my stomach and throat. Thirst fled, and clarity returned. However, a security officer noticed this and was approaching me.
They produced a silver club and raised their massive arm to hit me.
They swung down and missed me as I stumbled over chairs. Then I could see more security officers approaching and knew I could not evade them all.
My time in the light was ending. I raised my arms and spun around, falling back into the cold dark place. I leapt from the light and into the dark with a single step. There was no line, no form, no process, no time, or distance. I just fell back into the cold, evading the violence and turbulence of the security officers.
I fell back, flipping over and over, then landed with a hard stop, a heavy thud upon the dusty gravel of the Abyss. The familiar cold dark place surrounded me. I could hear the snarls and screams of emergency. The clarity of such sounds invigorated me. The world made sense again; there was danger and escape, crisis and importance. The senselessness of the world of light was now gone.
Perhaps one day I will return to need for order, to the lines and process, to the authority and structure. For now, urgency and fear remain its own reward.
